giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I didn't notice because vodka
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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