Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she told me i tasted like america
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
