I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
