you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You can't just leave with hair like that
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
