is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
