I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
