A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
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His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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