if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I could make wine with my vomit
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
