Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
