saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Alive.
So much puke
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
