i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
