i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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