can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
