How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
