Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
