I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
