Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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