He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
