why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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