My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
