How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.