so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
