just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
