so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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