I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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