Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
