This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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