Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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