If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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