Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
