Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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