There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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