Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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