i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
