Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
whose ass print is on the piano?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
