My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
