Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
