went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Boobs speak an international language.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i've created a new STD.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
