I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
my liver is dry heaving
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
