Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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