Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
