You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
