just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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