Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
