Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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