Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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