Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
