I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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