battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did I show you my penis last night?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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