i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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