I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
