My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
