Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
