I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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