can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
