I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
