You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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