i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
