somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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